sunday in the ER

our first trip to the ER with eve happened on sunday. we were supposed to be heading to kalamazoo for a much anticipated visit with my family for memorial day. instead, the nurse on call instructed us to go to the ER to investigate the cause of eve's unexplained fever. in the waiting room, my familiar "friend" fear paid me a visit. eve was so hot to the touch and all this anxiety & panic descended on me as i imagined worst case scenarios. not too long ago, i read an article about a family whose toddler came down with a high fever one afternoon and died within 24 hours. usually i'm able to filter & forget unnecessary fear-inducing stories, but regrettably, this one stuck. she turned out to be ok (contracted a contagious virus), but the experience there reminded me of all the time in the past i spent living in some state of fear- from the trivial to existential: fear of making a mistake, saying the wrong thing, flying- or rather crashing, my loved ones dying. and it dawned on me that i haven't felt that kind of fear in a long long time. and it's a testament to what God has quietly done in me- way down deep in my core without me even realizing it. so what began as a spiral of fear has become an ardent prayer of thanks.