november 17

eve is 15 months old today. last night, we watched some video footage of eve's first few months and the whole family got depressed. eve saw daddy holding & kissing the little baby and looked at us with her lower lip sticking out and quivering. and when "the baby" started to cry, she started to cry. and, don & i were dumbfounded at how much growth and change has occurred in just one year. we miss our tiny baby, but are so glad that she's still little. she jumps up and down in her crib now, waves, nods yes, says "hi, what's that?, mama, dada, all done, and bye bye", gives kisses and squeals with delight when daddy chases her while she crawls around the ottoman. she's getting so good at obeying us. she knows not to go near the fireplace or touch the mirror (that we haven't secured yet). she loves to crawl all the way to the mirror and then she sits back on her bottom and claps for herself for not touching it. then she'll talk & gesture while looking at herself. she's such a delight. we are so blessed. now, if don & i could only figure out how to get reacquainted with each other!

october 17

eve is finally crawling around pretty well at 14 months old- she prefers the army crawl right now. definitely getting into more things, so it's time to get poisonous plants off the floor. tonnie's baby may have entered the world this morning. 17 days after her due date! poor thing had to be induced last night- not fun. i don't think i've known anyone personally who has gone that long. no worries if you're reading, amy!!! next up is jack's debut and we're very much looking forward to meeting him! i think the lozen family will be one of the cutest ever to watch in action.

special day

eve's 1st birthday today. find myself thinking about her first days in the hospital. especially now that i'm working here on the same floor, adjacent to labor & delivery. spent some time this morning reviewing her medical records, her every-6 hour-bilirubin updates. it's hard to describe how heart-wrenching it is to see your tiny fragile newborn (who you're just meeting for the first time) hooked up to IVs, naked, bruised, eyes covered with a mask. and, worst of all, all by herself in an incubator with no mother to hold & feed her. i remember it being so hard for me to see her like that that i kept asking don for constant updates instead. nothing prepared me for that. before she was born, i would watch all the high risk maternity shows with distant interest. i was emotionally removed, objective, protected. and, now my heart goes out to my brother & sister-in-law and my prayers to my new little niece, born at 28 weeks, who is in her own fight to survive.

july 28

i am sinful. the tragic thing is that it usually doesn't occur to me. in fact, it rarely has most of my life. i mean, i've always been the "good girl"- proudly never experimented with sex, drugs, alcohol. got straight As, revered God, loved my family. i never understood why my mom got tearful during mass or why i needed to ask for the same forgiveness that God granted to "other people". and confession? it took me a long time before i came up with something like "i was mean to my brother today". and now i find myself coming face to face with my own human depravity, fragility, sinfulness. and, it's the best medicine in the world.

june 23

well, things DO get easier. less agonizing emotionally. confidence as a parent builds, and she seems to understand more about what is going on around her. and, you realize that you aren't the only person who can provide good care. that it doesn't all depend on you. that you don't need to "rescue" her every time she cries. that she will be ok. even better than ok when i'm not there 24/7.

may 3

has it been a month since my last post? sorry amy! life is very sweet. i love love love my baby. she is getting more & more fun. plays peekaboo, scrunches up her face while smiling, and shakes her little head back & forth when i sing to her. like i shared with my small group last night, i think i am really enjoying life for the first time. i've spent most of my life yearning for connectedness, close friendships, a happy home life. in grade school, looked forward to the fun of high school (what was i thinking?). in high school had high hopes for college (huge disappointment). weren't those supposed to be the golden years you would look back on fondly? over the years, have had lots of ppl pray for me & heard lots of assurances that life would change for me. and, after many tears, much angst, bouts of depression and loneliness, i finally see God's faithful hand. thank you for my family, my dear friends, my husband, my daughter.

april 4

how wonderful it is to be at home on a tuesday. laundry going, baby napping, music playing, sun shining in... phone ringing... good news- person coming in 20 minutes to fix our broken refrigerator. am so grateful that i can work part-time. it seemed like i never got anything done at home when i worked full time. our lives revolved around work & scheduled responsibilities. now i have the opportunity to slow down, appreciate all that God has put here on earth. it's like i'm really living for the first time.

march 24

happy birthday amy!!! what a special day. thinking about you... so happy to know you. and, eve sends her love & baby kisses.

march 10

my little baby is getting teeth! 2 little ones on the botton are poking through. she's becoming quite the enthusiastic baby... everytime i "stand her up" in the morning, she looks around excitedly with her tongue out & pants in a funny way, sometimes squealing with delight. it's very cute & and very infectious. and, she adores ppl who love her & give her attention. what a gift she is.

february 16

this year i decided to give don an idea of what i'd like for valentine's day. and, he exceeded my expectations! i mentioned that i'd love a spa treatment so he scheduled me for a facial massage & came home to care for eve so i could go! and, i always love it when he cooks... so, he made a wonderful chicken with tarragon dinner. it was so good- the best chicken breast meal i've ever had. he also got me a lovely orchid & rose petals for a bath. i am a lucky girl.

february 9

i've discovered that i'm not very good at supervising. when i witness troubling behavior, my anxiety level starts to rise. partly because i feel responsible for poor performance and partly because i worry about how to address the behavior. although i know it's important to communicate my concerns before they start to multiply, i worry a lot about hurting people's feelings, coming across in an accusatory manner. but, today i think it went ok. i was able to spell out my expectations explicitly, gently.. i hope.

february 2

i've really loved the mild winter so far. will make it much more bearable to delay our vacation to florida until summer. and, Eve will be crawling by then so she'll probably enjoy the trip much more. it's amazing how inward focused you become after having a child. i suppose that's good (partly) and the way God designed it so that we can care for our children. however, i believe it's equally important to continue to be outward focused and care for those around us and not just our immediate families. it's a discipline, though, since you don't have nearly as much time. but, there's got to be a way to reconcile the two--seemingly opposing-- postures.

january 24

saw memoirs of a geisha on sunday. it's amazing how much more you enjoy a movie after reading the book. i should try that more often! not sure if i would have liked it if i hadn't read the book...hard to say. and, normally i don't like watching movies by myself but i really enjoyed it on sunday. perhaps because i was so into the story and could focus on it without any distractions. and, without worrying about don being bored. although, i have to say, he is much better than i am at getting into/enjoying something he has no interest in seeing.

january 19

started a new small group for couples this week. so fun to be part of a group that i would like to attend even if we weren't hosting! it's a pretty laid back format. read from divine hours & eat dinner together from 6-7. respond to a discussion question & share how we're doing over dessert & coffee from 7-8. then have focused prayer for one couple at the end. no extensive prep work/reading, no homework, no pressure. so neat to see ppl, who didn't know each another before, forming real relationships, connection.

january 5

it was a little sad to say goodbye to 2005. such a great year for us. i wish i wasn't so sentimental. it sure would make things easier. eve is only 4.5 months old and i find myself already reminiscing about her newborn days: her tiny 0-3 month outfits & socks, her sleepiness during feedings, the way i had to support her head while burping her. for most people, i'm sure this would be a happy recollection. but, i can't help feeling wistful. how does one stop time?